1
00:00:02,835 --> 00:00:05,203
[♪]
2
00:01:14,974 --> 00:01:16,407
[dramatic music playing over tv]
3
00:01:16,408 --> 00:01:17,708
Man:
Marry me, cherise.
4
00:01:17,709 --> 00:01:19,644
You're the only one
for me.
5
00:01:19,645 --> 00:01:21,980
Woman:
But, blair, you said that
to the twins,
6
00:01:21,981 --> 00:01:23,481
Who are secretly
your daughters,
7
00:01:23,482 --> 00:01:27,351
Who you fathered
when you were in that coma.
8
00:01:27,352 --> 00:01:29,453
You can't really have children
with a man in a coma,
9
00:01:29,454 --> 00:01:30,755
Can you, mom?
10
00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:38,563
I think there have been
two recorded cases.
11
00:01:38,564 --> 00:01:41,166
I'm home, and I'm feeling foul.
12
00:01:42,167 --> 00:01:43,902
So let's have
a parting of the butts
13
00:01:43,903 --> 00:01:45,503
So I can sit down.
14
00:01:48,407 --> 00:01:51,209
Is the fun always over
when daddy comes home, mom?
15
00:01:51,210 --> 00:01:52,543
Well, it's just
suspended now.
16
00:01:52,544 --> 00:01:55,914
It's not officially over
till he takes off his shoes.
17
00:01:55,915 --> 00:01:59,050
Kelly, honey, I know
you're a high school graduate,
18
00:01:59,051 --> 00:02:00,551
But you may be unaware
of a new law.
19
00:02:00,552 --> 00:02:02,687
Since 1989,
20
00:02:02,688 --> 00:02:06,824
The government only permits
one human lump per family.
21
00:02:06,825 --> 00:02:08,826
So I'm afraid
the time has come
22
00:02:08,827 --> 00:02:11,363
For you to get a job.
23
00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:12,997
Oh, no, daddy,
you're wrong.
24
00:02:12,998 --> 00:02:14,933
Mommy says that I don't
have to do anything.
25
00:02:14,934 --> 00:02:18,203
I'm a girl.
26
00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:21,706
Sweetheart, your mother is
the last of a vanishing breed:
27
00:02:21,707 --> 00:02:24,875
The tyrannosaurus-
do-nothingnus.
28
00:02:24,876 --> 00:02:26,877
But there's still
hope for you, honey.
29
00:02:26,878 --> 00:02:28,779
You can still
get up off a couch
30
00:02:28,780 --> 00:02:30,281
Without it making
a suction noise.
31
00:02:30,282 --> 00:02:31,483
[clicks tongue]
32
00:02:33,119 --> 00:02:35,987
So join with daddy,
won't you, please,
33
00:02:35,988 --> 00:02:38,423
In actually earning
a living.
34
00:02:39,091 --> 00:02:40,225
But, honey,
35
00:02:40,226 --> 00:02:41,660
For daddy's ego,
36
00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:44,595
Try not to bring home
more money than he does.
37
00:02:44,596 --> 00:02:48,133
So I'd say,
try returning pop bottles.
38
00:02:48,134 --> 00:02:49,634
But stop at 10.
39
00:02:49,635 --> 00:02:53,004
They're two cents apiece,
you know.
40
00:02:53,005 --> 00:02:54,104
"oh, gee, your honor,
41
00:02:54,105 --> 00:02:57,342
I don't know where that shotgun
came from."
42
00:02:57,343 --> 00:02:59,577
[chuckles]
43
00:02:59,578 --> 00:03:00,911
Now, kelly, honey,
44
00:03:00,912 --> 00:03:02,513
You're getting
old enough to know now
45
00:03:02,514 --> 00:03:05,316
That you can't go on
mooching off society forever.
46
00:03:05,317 --> 00:03:07,552
So go over
to marcie's house,
47
00:03:07,553 --> 00:03:09,186
Steal her newspaper
48
00:03:09,187 --> 00:03:11,222
And bring back the section
with the want ads.
49
00:03:13,659 --> 00:03:14,993
Al,
50
00:03:14,994 --> 00:03:16,961
Did you really mean
what you said about me?
51
00:03:16,962 --> 00:03:18,930
You really think
I do nothing?
52
00:03:18,931 --> 00:03:20,364
Peg, if you did any less
around here,
53
00:03:20,365 --> 00:03:22,033
It would be called
"haunting."
54
00:03:23,202 --> 00:03:25,770
Well, then you have
a pretty short memory.
55
00:03:25,771 --> 00:03:29,074
It's me who brass-knuckles
your underwear into that hamper.
56
00:03:31,043 --> 00:03:32,944
And who invented
the broomstick
57
00:03:32,945 --> 00:03:34,446
With the piece of gum
on the end of it
58
00:03:34,447 --> 00:03:36,681
To pick up your socks?
59
00:03:36,682 --> 00:03:39,550
I believe it was I.
60
00:03:39,551 --> 00:03:41,819
Now, I do plenty around here.
61
00:03:41,820 --> 00:03:43,488
I want an apology,
62
00:03:43,489 --> 00:03:45,490
And I want appreciation.
63
00:03:45,491 --> 00:03:47,392
Until I get some,
64
00:03:47,393 --> 00:03:49,160
I, peggy bundy,
65
00:03:49,161 --> 00:03:51,863
Am officially on strike.
66
00:03:54,667 --> 00:03:56,267
Look, daddy,
67
00:03:56,268 --> 00:03:58,836
I found a job.
Listen.
68
00:03:58,837 --> 00:04:00,605
"pretty girls needed.
69
00:04:00,606 --> 00:04:01,606
"no skills.
70
00:04:01,607 --> 00:04:04,108
"no talent.
71
00:04:04,109 --> 00:04:05,944
"no experience.
72
00:04:05,945 --> 00:04:07,045
No redding."
73
00:04:09,982 --> 00:04:11,950
That's "reading,"
honey.
74
00:04:13,218 --> 00:04:14,853
No reading?
75
00:04:14,854 --> 00:04:18,123
[scoffs]
where are they gonna
find anyone that stupid?
76
00:04:18,124 --> 00:04:19,256
No, but look.
77
00:04:19,257 --> 00:04:20,658
"four hundred dollars
a month."
78
00:04:20,659 --> 00:04:22,961
Now, that should help out
the family, eh, daddy?
79
00:04:22,962 --> 00:04:24,462
Well, uh, sweetheart...
80
00:04:24,463 --> 00:04:27,264
Dear, this is an ad
for a modeling school.
81
00:04:27,265 --> 00:04:30,635
See, I'd have to pay
$400 a month.
82
00:04:32,170 --> 00:04:33,805
So, what's the problem?
83
00:04:33,806 --> 00:04:37,142
Can you describe the difference
between paying and earning?
84
00:04:37,143 --> 00:04:39,076
What am I asking you for?
Of course you can't.
85
00:04:40,245 --> 00:04:42,447
Oh, come on, daddy,
I wanna be a model.
86
00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:44,114
Hey, maybe I can get
one of those neat jobs
87
00:04:44,115 --> 00:04:46,083
Standing in a store window.
88
00:04:49,554 --> 00:04:51,690
Peg, you wanna
take this one?
89
00:04:51,691 --> 00:04:54,191
You wanna get down
on your hands and knees
90
00:04:54,192 --> 00:04:56,260
And admit
I'm everything to you?
91
00:04:59,332 --> 00:05:02,634
Kelly, I'm not paying
$400 a month
92
00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:05,036
So you can walk around
with a book on your head.
93
00:05:06,939 --> 00:05:08,606
Hey, go ahead,
pout all you want.
94
00:05:08,607 --> 00:05:10,208
It's not going to work.
95
00:05:17,616 --> 00:05:19,317
I am a model.
96
00:05:24,090 --> 00:05:26,224
I'm not cooking tonight,
you know.
97
00:05:26,225 --> 00:05:27,692
Uh-oh.
98
00:05:27,693 --> 00:05:30,128
Then I guess I'll just
have to live on love.
99
00:05:32,164 --> 00:05:34,566
Not with me.
I'm on strike.
100
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:35,767
Oh, no.
101
00:05:35,768 --> 00:05:38,269
Then I guess
I'll just have to live.
102
00:05:39,572 --> 00:05:40,738
Look, daddy.
103
00:05:40,739 --> 00:05:43,441
And you thought that
your $400 was wasted.
104
00:05:46,312 --> 00:05:47,746
I'm okay, daddy.
105
00:05:47,747 --> 00:05:49,914
Sure you are,
sweetheart.
106
00:05:49,915 --> 00:05:52,750
Honey, now, go sit
over there.
107
00:05:52,751 --> 00:05:53,951
Sit down, dear.
108
00:05:59,591 --> 00:06:01,559
I am a model.
109
00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:03,495
[giggles]
110
00:06:03,496 --> 00:06:05,830
[chuckles]
good, sweetheart.
111
00:06:05,831 --> 00:06:08,700
But, honey,
you have been a model
112
00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:10,635
For two weeks now.
113
00:06:10,636 --> 00:06:12,269
You know,
if the telephone rings,
114
00:06:12,270 --> 00:06:14,305
I'm not gettin' it.
115
00:06:14,306 --> 00:06:16,340
Well, darn, if I miss another
dinner with the trumps
116
00:06:16,341 --> 00:06:18,543
Because of you, I'm gonna
take it out on the help.
117
00:06:20,646 --> 00:06:23,381
Honey, this modeling thing
isn't working out.
118
00:06:23,382 --> 00:06:25,083
But-- but I have an idea.
119
00:06:25,084 --> 00:06:26,550
Why don't you take
the skills
120
00:06:26,551 --> 00:06:28,486
You've acquired
at modeling school
121
00:06:28,487 --> 00:06:30,721
And get an important job.
122
00:06:30,722 --> 00:06:33,691
One where you meet the public
and serve them french fries.
123
00:06:35,361 --> 00:06:38,062
But, daddy,
I can't stop now.
124
00:06:38,063 --> 00:06:40,030
Modeling is in my blood.
125
00:06:40,031 --> 00:06:41,799
I mean, even my teacher said
126
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:44,802
That I am a natural-born
leg crosser.
127
00:06:44,803 --> 00:06:46,003
Watch.
128
00:06:50,109 --> 00:06:51,876
I can do it at will.
129
00:06:51,877 --> 00:06:53,110
What?
130
00:06:53,779 --> 00:06:54,979
Okay, kel,
131
00:06:54,980 --> 00:06:56,380
I did what you asked.
132
00:06:56,381 --> 00:06:58,516
I put all your garfield cartoons
on cassette tape
133
00:06:58,517 --> 00:07:00,718
So you can listen to them
in the car.
134
00:07:00,719 --> 00:07:02,320
Now can I meet
the modeling babes?
135
00:07:03,021 --> 00:07:04,556
Isn't he pathetic?
136
00:07:04,557 --> 00:07:06,357
Yeah, right. But don't
worry about him. Honey,
137
00:07:06,358 --> 00:07:08,792
Have you seen anything
down there daddy might like?
138
00:07:11,864 --> 00:07:13,264
Yeah.
139
00:07:13,265 --> 00:07:15,632
You know, maybe there's a job
for a runway model
140
00:07:15,633 --> 00:07:16,968
With dirty underwear.
141
00:07:16,969 --> 00:07:18,069
[chuckles]
142
00:07:18,070 --> 00:07:20,771
"and now, here's al,
143
00:07:20,772 --> 00:07:22,874
"looking frisky for fall
144
00:07:22,875 --> 00:07:26,277
"in his stained boxer shorts
145
00:07:26,278 --> 00:07:29,380
"and matching
yellowing t-shirt.
146
00:07:30,782 --> 00:07:32,549
"oh, note the holes,
147
00:07:32,550 --> 00:07:35,920
"new this season,
for easy-access scratchin'.
148
00:07:37,489 --> 00:07:40,824
"oh, thank you, al.
149
00:07:40,825 --> 00:07:43,761
[gasps]
"oh, and walking behind him,
150
00:07:43,762 --> 00:07:46,297
"his socks.
151
00:07:47,732 --> 00:07:49,267
"resplendent
152
00:07:49,268 --> 00:07:51,769
"in their
no-toe-or-heel look.
153
00:07:53,005 --> 00:07:54,738
Thanks again, al."
154
00:07:54,739 --> 00:07:56,274
[laughing]
155
00:07:56,275 --> 00:07:57,542
[chuckling]
156
00:08:02,581 --> 00:08:04,749
"gee, officer, if I thought
my wife was missing,
157
00:08:04,750 --> 00:08:06,617
Would I be in this bar,
drinking a beer?"
158
00:08:06,618 --> 00:08:08,519
[laughing]
159
00:08:10,856 --> 00:08:12,156
Come on, kel.
160
00:08:12,157 --> 00:08:13,658
I'll do anything.
161
00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:15,726
Well, actually,
you could help me study
162
00:08:15,727 --> 00:08:17,728
For this job audition
at the auto show.
163
00:08:17,729 --> 00:08:19,363
Can you be a car?
164
00:08:20,366 --> 00:08:21,866
Then will I get to meet
the babes?
165
00:08:21,867 --> 00:08:24,635
Pretty ones
as dumb as you?
166
00:08:25,337 --> 00:08:26,738
Dumber.
167
00:08:26,739 --> 00:08:28,906
Oh, man.
168
00:08:28,907 --> 00:08:30,475
What kind of car am I?
169
00:08:30,476 --> 00:08:32,310
A 280 zit.
170
00:08:32,311 --> 00:08:34,145
[laughing]
171
00:08:35,781 --> 00:08:38,449
They better be mighty dumb,
kel.
172
00:08:38,450 --> 00:08:40,618
Okay, now,
173
00:08:40,619 --> 00:08:42,720
You just stand here
and "car."
174
00:08:42,721 --> 00:08:43,955
Now, my job is to come up
175
00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:45,556
With an interesting
and exciting way
176
00:08:45,557 --> 00:08:47,591
To introduce
the new allanté.
177
00:08:47,592 --> 00:08:48,692
You ready?
178
00:08:48,693 --> 00:08:50,027
Ready.
Okay.
179
00:08:50,028 --> 00:08:51,662
The new-- no.
180
00:08:52,464 --> 00:08:54,598
The new-- no.
181
00:08:54,599 --> 00:08:57,168
The new...
182
00:09:03,542 --> 00:09:06,144
Four hundred bucks.
183
00:09:06,145 --> 00:09:08,212
Wait, I'm getting an idea.
I'm getting an idea.
184
00:09:08,213 --> 00:09:09,547
How 'bout this?
185
00:09:10,549 --> 00:09:13,117
The new...
186
00:09:13,118 --> 00:09:15,053
Oh, what's the name
of the stupid car?
187
00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:17,388
Kelly, why don't you just
write it on your hand
188
00:09:17,389 --> 00:09:19,891
Like you do your name.
189
00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:21,692
No, wait.
190
00:09:21,693 --> 00:09:24,195
Topeka, I have found it!
191
00:09:29,368 --> 00:09:32,470
I-- I don't think
you mean topeka, kel.
192
00:09:32,471 --> 00:09:33,905
Oh, yeah, that's right.
I meant...
193
00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:35,239
Urethra!
194
00:09:40,445 --> 00:09:41,779
How 'bout this?
195
00:09:44,016 --> 00:09:47,384
The new allanté.
196
00:09:48,887 --> 00:09:50,555
What do you think?
What do you think?
197
00:09:50,556 --> 00:09:52,690
I think you got it.
198
00:09:53,191 --> 00:09:54,625
I know I've got it.
199
00:09:54,626 --> 00:09:56,427
I shall be the allanté girl,
200
00:09:56,428 --> 00:09:59,364
For I have invented
"the bundy bounce."
201
00:10:04,336 --> 00:10:06,370
All:
Allanté.
202
00:10:06,371 --> 00:10:07,972
Allanté.
Allanté.
203
00:10:07,973 --> 00:10:09,807
Allanté.
Allanté.
204
00:10:10,675 --> 00:10:12,877
Allanté.
Allanté.
205
00:10:12,878 --> 00:10:15,012
Allanté.
Allanté.
206
00:10:17,149 --> 00:10:18,149
Allanté.
207
00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:19,651
Wow!
208
00:10:19,652 --> 00:10:21,718
I feel like I died
and went to dad's happy box
209
00:10:21,719 --> 00:10:23,720
In the basement.
210
00:10:25,457 --> 00:10:28,326
I beg of you,
pepé le pew.
211
00:10:28,327 --> 00:10:31,029
Control your urges
and your scent, okay?
212
00:10:31,030 --> 00:10:32,997
I'm gonna go practice
my allantés.
213
00:10:32,998 --> 00:10:35,866
Okay. I'm just gonna
wander around and...
214
00:10:35,867 --> 00:10:37,368
See what's bitin'.
215
00:10:40,272 --> 00:10:42,906
I do believe
I sees my supper.
216
00:10:46,478 --> 00:10:47,711
Hello.
217
00:10:48,747 --> 00:10:50,214
[clears throat]
218
00:10:50,215 --> 00:10:53,384
I know you models are always
watching your weight.
219
00:10:53,385 --> 00:10:55,253
Care for a "bud light"?
220
00:10:55,254 --> 00:10:56,887
[giggles]
221
00:11:03,895 --> 00:11:06,797
I'm sorry, but I think
you've mistaken me
222
00:11:06,798 --> 00:11:10,334
For someone who would speak
to someone like you.
223
00:11:12,971 --> 00:11:15,005
Stee-rike one.
224
00:11:17,276 --> 00:11:18,476
Ooh.
225
00:11:19,712 --> 00:11:21,112
[clears throat]
226
00:11:22,347 --> 00:11:24,047
Need some help?
227
00:11:27,085 --> 00:11:29,019
One good turn
deserves another.
228
00:11:33,091 --> 00:11:35,258
Stee-rike two.
229
00:11:36,995 --> 00:11:38,295
Allantum. No.
230
00:11:38,296 --> 00:11:40,030
[groans]
231
00:11:40,031 --> 00:11:41,231
Allantos.
232
00:11:41,232 --> 00:11:42,266
No.
233
00:11:42,267 --> 00:11:43,501
Aluminum.
234
00:11:45,136 --> 00:11:46,537
Kelly.
235
00:11:46,538 --> 00:11:47,872
No.
236
00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:50,274
Allanté.
237
00:11:51,309 --> 00:11:52,409
Hi, kelly.
238
00:11:52,410 --> 00:11:53,844
Been practicing?
239
00:11:53,845 --> 00:11:55,546
Nope, don't need to.
240
00:11:55,547 --> 00:11:57,782
I'm slam-dunking
this baby.
241
00:11:57,783 --> 00:11:59,449
You seem pretty confident
for someone
242
00:11:59,450 --> 00:12:02,386
Who got tension headaches
during smiling class.
243
00:12:05,157 --> 00:12:07,591
So, what are you doing
for your audition?
244
00:12:08,927 --> 00:12:11,729
Well, I come after you,
245
00:12:11,730 --> 00:12:12,963
So I guess
I'll have to wait
246
00:12:12,964 --> 00:12:14,765
Till the curly tail
disappears.
247
00:12:17,335 --> 00:12:18,402
Oh, then, of course,
248
00:12:18,403 --> 00:12:21,839
After the cries
of "sooey" die down,
249
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:24,441
I'll do my best to follow
in your hoofprints.
250
00:12:30,882 --> 00:12:32,282
Slut.
251
00:12:32,283 --> 00:12:34,251
Skank.
252
00:12:34,252 --> 00:12:36,386
Tramp.
253
00:12:36,387 --> 00:12:38,522
Can't accessorize.
254
00:12:40,625 --> 00:12:42,793
That hurt.
255
00:12:44,229 --> 00:12:46,197
With you?
[scoffs]
256
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:50,334
Foul tip.
257
00:12:54,806 --> 00:12:56,807
Excuse me.
258
00:12:56,808 --> 00:12:58,209
I couldn't help
but noticing you
259
00:12:58,210 --> 00:13:00,377
Undressing me
with your eyes.
260
00:13:00,378 --> 00:13:01,812
[sighs]
261
00:13:01,813 --> 00:13:03,247
How'd you like
to hear my recipe
262
00:13:03,248 --> 00:13:06,117
For a love cocktail?
263
00:13:06,118 --> 00:13:08,085
One cup of you,
two cups of me,
264
00:13:08,086 --> 00:13:10,154
Put it to boil,
and serve while hot.
265
00:13:12,991 --> 00:13:15,359
[sighs]
look, I'll let you
touch my hair
266
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:16,961
If you go away
and leave me alone.
267
00:13:16,962 --> 00:13:18,863
I have to audition.
268
00:13:18,864 --> 00:13:20,530
You're wasting
your time, babe.
269
00:13:20,531 --> 00:13:22,599
My sister's got it locked.
270
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,068
Who's your sister?
271
00:13:24,069 --> 00:13:25,202
Kelly.
272
00:13:25,203 --> 00:13:27,972
Anyhow, what do you say to
"you and me
273
00:13:27,973 --> 00:13:30,607
And one of your friends
makes three"?
274
00:13:33,545 --> 00:13:35,613
What exactly
is kelly doing?
275
00:13:35,614 --> 00:13:37,381
She told me not
to tell anybody.
276
00:13:38,884 --> 00:13:41,151
Not even me?
277
00:13:41,152 --> 00:13:42,420
No one.
278
00:13:43,622 --> 00:13:45,656
Not even...
279
00:13:45,657 --> 00:13:46,891
Me?
280
00:13:48,926 --> 00:13:51,228
It's called "the bundy bounce,"
and it goes like this:
281
00:13:52,464 --> 00:13:54,699
The new...
282
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:56,200
Allanté.
283
00:13:57,569 --> 00:13:59,804
Thanks. That's all
I needed to know.
284
00:13:59,805 --> 00:14:02,072
Wait, y-you said I could
touch your hair.
285
00:14:04,809 --> 00:14:06,076
Allanté.
Okay, everybody.
286
00:14:06,077 --> 00:14:08,746
Ladies, attention.
287
00:14:08,747 --> 00:14:09,947
Attention, ladies.
288
00:14:13,718 --> 00:14:16,454
The client is here.
289
00:14:16,455 --> 00:14:18,922
Let's show him
what we can do, all right?
290
00:14:18,923 --> 00:14:22,326
First up,
rochelle alpert.
291
00:14:25,730 --> 00:14:28,765
The new alpert.
292
00:14:28,766 --> 00:14:31,535
Oops. That's my name.
293
00:14:31,536 --> 00:14:33,704
Allanté.
Allanté.
294
00:14:34,973 --> 00:14:37,574
Very good.
Very good, rochelle.
295
00:14:39,544 --> 00:14:41,745
Incense berkowitz.
296
00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:48,252
That's incense berkowitz.
297
00:14:48,253 --> 00:14:49,987
Next.
298
00:14:53,325 --> 00:14:55,025
Piper bauman.
299
00:14:56,094 --> 00:14:58,829
[giggles]
gosh, I'm so nervous.
300
00:15:00,298 --> 00:15:02,533
Well, then perhaps you
should've worn underwear.
301
00:15:05,904 --> 00:15:08,238
Just do the best you can,
sweetheart.
302
00:15:09,608 --> 00:15:13,311
The new allanté.
303
00:15:13,312 --> 00:15:15,112
[piper giggles]
304
00:15:15,113 --> 00:15:18,316
Thank you.
I call it "the bauman bounce."
305
00:15:18,317 --> 00:15:20,885
She stole my bounce.
306
00:15:20,886 --> 00:15:23,988
Gee, how could that
have happened?
307
00:15:23,989 --> 00:15:25,322
Excellent,
excellent.
308
00:15:25,323 --> 00:15:28,592
And now, as if there was
any need, kelly bundy.
309
00:15:36,134 --> 00:15:37,701
The new...
310
00:15:39,404 --> 00:15:40,971
Allanté.
311
00:15:41,773 --> 00:15:44,174
That was my bounce.
312
00:15:45,210 --> 00:15:46,477
Ah.
313
00:15:46,478 --> 00:15:48,712
Don't do anything, huh?
314
00:15:48,713 --> 00:15:50,381
Well, we'll see.
315
00:15:50,382 --> 00:15:53,116
I'll break him.
I'll break him.
316
00:15:53,985 --> 00:15:56,086
How about you, boy?
317
00:15:56,087 --> 00:15:59,123
Mommy does things
for you, doesn't she?
318
00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:01,091
You're not my mommy.
319
00:16:01,092 --> 00:16:03,660
My mother has six nipples
and would lick my belly.
320
00:16:07,132 --> 00:16:10,101
You're the only one
who understands.
321
00:16:13,071 --> 00:16:15,338
Hey, peg.
322
00:16:15,339 --> 00:16:16,941
You still on strike?
323
00:16:16,942 --> 00:16:18,776
What does it look like?
324
00:16:18,777 --> 00:16:22,512
You could be on fire
and I wouldn't know.
325
00:16:22,513 --> 00:16:24,815
This has been the best
two weeks of my life.
326
00:16:24,816 --> 00:16:26,516
You know, the uncertainty
is gone.
327
00:16:26,517 --> 00:16:29,086
Accepting your utter uselessness
has freed me.
328
00:16:29,087 --> 00:16:30,788
Since I've been
taking care of myself,
329
00:16:30,789 --> 00:16:33,190
The food's better,
the conversation is better,
330
00:16:33,191 --> 00:16:35,893
And-- and without sex,
my hair's comin' back.
331
00:16:40,565 --> 00:16:42,499
It's not coming back, honey.
332
00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:45,669
It's just growing up
out of your nose.
333
00:16:45,670 --> 00:16:47,070
[chuckling]
ah, peg.
334
00:16:47,071 --> 00:16:48,639
Would it really
make you feel better
335
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,074
If I told you I needed you?
336
00:16:50,075 --> 00:16:51,308
Yes, it would.
337
00:16:51,309 --> 00:16:52,943
[laughing]
338
00:16:59,050 --> 00:17:01,418
Well, I don't.
339
00:17:01,419 --> 00:17:03,421
I got my food.
Got my drink.
340
00:17:03,422 --> 00:17:05,856
In a few minutes,
I got my ball game.
341
00:17:05,857 --> 00:17:07,557
Uh-oh.
342
00:17:07,558 --> 00:17:08,959
Remote.
343
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,094
Peg?
344
00:17:10,095 --> 00:17:12,430
Yes, sweetheart?
345
00:17:12,431 --> 00:17:14,799
Ball game's coming on
in a few minutes.
346
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:17,201
Where's the remote control?
347
00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:19,503
You mean
your shootin' iron?
348
00:17:19,504 --> 00:17:21,905
Your magic wand?
349
00:17:21,906 --> 00:17:24,107
The only way you
could turn anything on?
350
00:17:25,943 --> 00:17:27,277
Yes.
351
00:17:27,278 --> 00:17:28,746
Have you seen it?
352
00:17:28,747 --> 00:17:32,483
Well, you know, sweetheart, yes,
as a matter of fact, I have.
353
00:17:32,484 --> 00:17:34,385
And I would love to tell you
where it is,
354
00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:37,154
But, gee, I can't.
355
00:17:37,155 --> 00:17:39,022
I'm on strike.
356
00:17:40,191 --> 00:17:42,693
Fine. Don't need it.
357
00:17:42,694 --> 00:17:44,094
I'll watch tv without it.
358
00:17:45,296 --> 00:17:47,163
There, game's on.
359
00:17:47,164 --> 00:17:50,166
Announcer:
We'll be back with the kickoff
after these messages.
360
00:17:50,167 --> 00:17:51,768
Mm.
361
00:17:51,769 --> 00:17:53,236
[upbeat music playing]
362
00:17:56,073 --> 00:17:58,141
Announcer 2:
We'll be back
with the second half
363
00:17:58,142 --> 00:18:00,210
After these messages.
364
00:18:00,211 --> 00:18:01,845
Woman:
I'm an active gal.
365
00:18:01,846 --> 00:18:04,147
And as such,
I need maximum protection.
366
00:18:04,148 --> 00:18:05,415
[yells]
367
00:18:06,317 --> 00:18:07,417
[tv clicks]
368
00:18:09,654 --> 00:18:11,488
It's fine.
I don't need it.
369
00:18:11,489 --> 00:18:13,023
I'm happy.
370
00:18:13,024 --> 00:18:14,491
I have everything else.
371
00:18:22,266 --> 00:18:24,167
I don't need tv.
372
00:18:24,168 --> 00:18:26,503
How long has it been?
373
00:18:26,504 --> 00:18:28,372
It's been 10 seconds.
374
00:18:28,373 --> 00:18:30,207
[sobbing]
all right, peg. I give up.
375
00:18:30,208 --> 00:18:32,242
I'll do anything.
376
00:18:32,243 --> 00:18:34,211
Give me what I need,
baby!
377
00:18:37,182 --> 00:18:40,117
Give me
my remote control!
378
00:18:40,118 --> 00:18:43,354
And what will daddy
give mommy?
379
00:18:43,355 --> 00:18:45,055
Well, I already told you
I needed you.
380
00:18:45,056 --> 00:18:46,489
What else do you want?
381
00:18:48,059 --> 00:18:49,360
Aagh! No!
382
00:18:51,062 --> 00:18:53,497
Oh, peg, it's light out,
for god's sake.
383
00:18:53,498 --> 00:18:57,334
We'll be able to see each other!
You know I hate that!
384
00:18:57,335 --> 00:18:58,769
But, honey,
385
00:18:58,770 --> 00:19:00,637
We wouldn't want anything
to happen
386
00:19:00,638 --> 00:19:02,806
To your remote control,
would we?
387
00:19:02,807 --> 00:19:05,542
Okay, honey.
Just a quickie, okay?
388
00:19:05,543 --> 00:19:08,278
No. I want the full
minute and a half.
389
00:19:08,279 --> 00:19:09,913
But, peg--
peg.
390
00:19:09,914 --> 00:19:11,848
And I want
the shoes off.
391
00:19:11,849 --> 00:19:13,617
Oh, god!
392
00:19:18,823 --> 00:19:20,925
How could she know
about "the bundy bounce"?
393
00:19:20,926 --> 00:19:22,993
I mean, the only one who knew
besides me was you.
394
00:19:22,994 --> 00:19:24,594
How could she find out?
395
00:19:29,868 --> 00:19:31,901
Well, we may as well face it.
396
00:19:31,902 --> 00:19:34,572
We may never be able
to piece this thing together.
397
00:19:34,573 --> 00:19:35,572
[sighs]
398
00:19:35,573 --> 00:19:37,307
[doorbell rings]
399
00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:40,878
Hi, kids.
400
00:19:40,879 --> 00:19:43,747
Did you know your father
is hanging from the window,
401
00:19:43,748 --> 00:19:46,750
Butt bare to the world,
screaming for help?
402
00:19:46,751 --> 00:19:48,953
That's okay.
Mom's with him.
403
00:19:48,954 --> 00:19:50,221
Well, if you'll excuse me,
404
00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:52,789
Someone stole an idea from me
and cost me a modeling job.
405
00:19:52,790 --> 00:19:54,358
So I'm going to handle this
406
00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:56,293
The only way that us bundys
know how.
407
00:19:57,995 --> 00:20:00,130
With swift
and blinding violence.
408
00:20:01,298 --> 00:20:03,900
No, no. Now, wait a minute,
young lady.
409
00:20:03,901 --> 00:20:05,035
If you've got a problem
410
00:20:05,036 --> 00:20:06,703
You think you can solve
with violence,
411
00:20:06,704 --> 00:20:08,973
Don't you think you should
talk to your parents?
412
00:20:08,974 --> 00:20:10,574
Peg:
You can run,
413
00:20:10,575 --> 00:20:13,109
But you can't hide!
414
00:20:13,110 --> 00:20:14,811
Al [sobbing]:
Oh, peg! Oh, no!
415
00:20:16,881 --> 00:20:18,649
Could I perhaps help
in any way?
416
00:20:18,650 --> 00:20:21,385
Well, you could wait outside
with the engine running.
417
00:20:21,386 --> 00:20:22,886
No, kelly,
418
00:20:22,887 --> 00:20:24,421
Haven't you ever
heard the phrase,
419
00:20:24,422 --> 00:20:26,023
"you can catch more
flies with honey
420
00:20:26,024 --> 00:20:27,591
Than you can
with vinegar"?
421
00:20:27,592 --> 00:20:28,659
But if you pull their wings off,
422
00:20:28,660 --> 00:20:30,661
They'll eat whatever
you give them. Bye.
423
00:20:30,662 --> 00:20:31,662
No, kelly, wait.
424
00:20:31,663 --> 00:20:33,297
Let me put this another way.
425
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:35,766
You're a woman now,
not a child.
426
00:20:35,767 --> 00:20:38,935
You should solve your problems
in the mature, sophisticated way
427
00:20:38,936 --> 00:20:40,070
Of the adult.
428
00:20:40,071 --> 00:20:42,539
Call 911!
Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!
429
00:20:49,814 --> 00:20:53,517
[sighs]
and if your parents
were adults
430
00:20:53,518 --> 00:20:55,685
Instead of stick figures,
431
00:20:55,686 --> 00:20:57,721
I'm sure they would agree
with me.
432
00:20:57,722 --> 00:21:00,023
So my advice to you
would be to go this person,
433
00:21:00,024 --> 00:21:02,326
And appeal to her
sense of fairness.
434
00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:04,128
Explain how much
she hurt you.
435
00:21:04,129 --> 00:21:07,764
And she'll respond
to your maturity with maturity.
436
00:21:07,765 --> 00:21:09,666
For women, unlike men,
437
00:21:09,667 --> 00:21:11,735
Have the capacity to feel.
438
00:21:11,736 --> 00:21:13,470
We talk things out.
439
00:21:13,471 --> 00:21:15,873
And when you tell her
a cheater never wins
440
00:21:15,874 --> 00:21:18,042
And a winner never cheats,
she'll give you that job back.
441
00:21:19,110 --> 00:21:20,944
[fanfare music playing]
442
00:21:22,180 --> 00:21:25,082
Announcer:
And now, the car of tomorrow.
443
00:21:25,083 --> 00:21:28,252
The new allanté.
444
00:21:28,253 --> 00:21:29,552
[cameras clicking]
445
00:21:35,259 --> 00:21:38,261
Announcer:
Now, please follow me
to our next exhibit.
446
00:21:38,930 --> 00:21:40,864
Thank you so much.
447
00:21:40,865 --> 00:21:43,000
Well, congratulations,
miss bundy.
448
00:21:43,001 --> 00:21:45,469
But, uh, what happened
to miss bauman?
449
00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:46,436
Oh, stage fight.
450
00:21:46,437 --> 00:21:47,738
I mean, uh, fright.
451
00:21:49,273 --> 00:21:50,607
Well,
congratulations.
452
00:21:50,608 --> 00:21:52,375
Thank you.
453
00:21:52,910 --> 00:21:54,611
Oh, bud...
454
00:21:54,612 --> 00:21:56,679
I came. I saw. I bounced.
455
00:21:58,116 --> 00:21:59,616
Today, the allanté girl.
456
00:21:59,617 --> 00:22:02,685
Tomorrow,
slut in a bon jovi video.
457
00:22:02,686 --> 00:22:04,654
[giggles]
458
00:22:05,656 --> 00:22:07,890
Reach for those stars,
eh, kel?
459
00:22:07,891 --> 00:22:09,359
You should feel
pretty proud too.
460
00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:11,095
You didn't even
have to read your hand.
461
00:22:11,096 --> 00:22:13,363
Yeah, but now is a time
I have to read my hand
462
00:22:13,364 --> 00:22:15,498
'cause I wrote myself
a little note.
463
00:22:15,499 --> 00:22:18,201
It says,
"the one who..."
464
00:22:18,202 --> 00:22:19,970
Oh, what's that word?
465
00:22:19,971 --> 00:22:23,273
"told about 'the bundy bounc''
was...
466
00:22:23,274 --> 00:22:24,641
See other hand."
467
00:22:39,590 --> 00:22:40,990
[♪]